His rugged smile, the way his cheek creases into a seductive, playful dimple. He is as far from what my ex was as possible, the complete opposite. Rough, blunt, decisive, the alpha male that commands attention in a room. And at the same time the sweetest, most insightful and caring man I have ever met. He was number 23. After going on 23 dates with 23 different men, this was the man who stood out. From the first meeting he was honest about what he wanted and asked what I wanted and genuinely wanted to hear what I had to say. He actually listened and questioned with curiosity and when I was evasive, he leaned into our conversations with more questions and he wanted to understand me. No one had ever wanted to know me, and no one had ever cared enough to ask me. I didn’t know how to react to him truthfully. He threw me off balance.
My heart was healing still; you don’t walk away from 22 years together without collateral damage and wounds that may never heal. My ex was very much still drawing blood from my wounds and in every place I saw his face, in every place his memory haunted me. I was no longer living, no longer healing, I was punishing myself for staying. But 23 made me feel like I could heal; he made me feel like I wanted to heal. He understood me like no other and kept trying to understand me. 23 was loving me back to life and I was letting him until I didn’t. In my hurt and focusing on my wounds I shut him out. My mistrust of my emotions, of his intentions, caused me to withdraw and I betrayed our deepening relationship. I moved to another city 4200 km away. My heart could not trust opening up to 23.
We made a pact to stay friends. Does staying friends ever work out? When you both have feelings for each other but agree a LDR is not a good idea and you decide to see other people? How do you feel happy watching them enjoy doing things with other romantic partners? How does jealousy not make you say petty things? How do you watch another woman make him smile the way you used to? You don’t. You suffer in silence until it erupts and you fight. “Were you on a date?”, “How many women/guys are you seeing?”, “Please stop assuming every time I don’t answer, I’m banging someone.”, “We are not together, so I don’t know why I’m/you’re upset”. How do you go from “we” to “you” without feeling hurt? How do you love unconditionally when the condition is you want something that is no longer yours?
I’ve written a hundred versions of good bye letters with no intentions of sending them but working myself up to let go and slip away with what little dignity I have left. Maybe running away is a pattern with me or maybe I believe running is my only option because the longer I stay the deeper I go, the higher the risk, the larger the hurt. After all it took me 22 years of fighting to keep a relationship going when I should have left sooner and a long slow burn leaves it’s mark forever. I decided it was easier to walk away from vulnerability before I am in too deep. I never again want to risk the level of hurt that changes me for the worse.
My third letter…
You came into my life at the worst time of my life and gave me the happiest, brightest memories in the darkest of times. I didn’t trust my myself and you did everything you could to earn my trust and my heart. You gave me a safe place to be myself. You loved me for who I am and you were honest with me through it all. You made me believe in love again and you made me feel like I mattered.
I don’t know what the future holds, just know if I could snap my fingers I would want a future with you and a future of “us” and all the adventures we planned together. So please believe me when I say, I held onto hope as long as I could and the possibility of you was the only thing that carried me through some of my darkest days. I have never met someone who is so giving of time, attention, love, concern and all of that while hurting and healing inside. You are the strongest person I know and the most stubborn SOB I have ever met and loved. I will never forget you.
There are no words I can use to comfort you when I am gone. Please be angry with me. Please scream at the sky and blame me. Please hate me for leaving. Please tell me I am a coward for choosing the easy way out. I know I am a coward for leaving rather than fighting for us. Every time I wanted us, I felt you pull away and withdraw so I backed away to protect my heart. The thing is I was waiting all this time for you to finally see me and choose me but I was wrong. Know that I would chose you over and over again and I’d let you hurt me over and over again because I never believed I was worthy of love. All I wanted was to feel secure in our bond but when actions tell me I am an only an option then it leaves me nowhere to feel safe.
I wish you the best in life. You deserve a happy future and good times to come.