He was clear. “If you want to stay, then stay.” His words repeated, “this is YOUR home too and I want you here. I love you.” The sound of his voice was distant as if in a dream and I was lost, mute, unable to give confirmation that I had heard what he said. Why am I not able to accept this? I had moved into this house, his home and it was now OUR home and I still felt unsafe, like a timid pet in my new forever home, not yet certain I would not be returned to the pet store. An uneasiness nags at me… when will this paradise be taken from me? Do I dare to feel happy even for a second? The self-help section on self love tells me, YES, believe you are deserving of love, believe you are worthy, accept yourself, love yourself and those around you will love you too…. wait, what?
Love yourself. LOVE YOURSELF. L.O.V.E. Y.O.U.R.S.E.L.F.
I do love myself my brain whispers, yet my heart is hesitant to accept love from others. What do you do when you walk through life afraid that good things will be taken from you, that happiness is the gift that unhappy people snatch from you.
When I was younger I prided myself on being an optimist, a happy go lucky, easy going, live and let live personality who’s sole purpose in life was to make everyone around me smile on the darkest days and in doing so, I smiled at my own immunity to anything negative around me. My ego was my shield and my wall. I was the brave one, the rescuer, the warrior that others would turn to for solace and protection. My ego made me safe because as long as I was focused on everyone else’s turmoils, I could forget my own. Everything is perspective and when you compare yourself to others, your troubles never seem so terrible. My ego was the forever friend who would pat me on the back and say, “good job, you made them look on the bright side, well done”. My ego was my best invisible friend who was afraid of nothing! Then my ego let me down. When my former “life” started to unravel, I had to stop saving everyone else around me because I had to start saving myself. I was drowning in my world and worse, letting the waves wash over me, wishing it would finish me. My ego let me down because actually, I never learned how to save myself.
“Do you hear me? I love you and I chose you to be my partner. I want you in my life and I think we have a great relationship. This is your HOME. STAY with me.” His voice breaks through my shield, he’s rescuing me. He is creating a safe space for me. He is creating a home for ME. The tears creep down my face and I love him even more. Why am I crying? I want to stay. I want this to be my forever home. I want this relationship. I want this life. Why am I crying? Why? My ego can’t reconcile that I am the one who needs saving this time. I am not the tower of stoicism of bravery that my ego used to tell me I was. For the first time in my life I am scared. Scared to love, scared to hope, scared to dream.
“I want to stay.” I mumble through sobs.
“I want this to be my home.”
“Then STAY.” he says. “It’s that simple.”